Life and Death
Right away I was conflicted: There are 13 people on the team, but I'm the only North American. Our first meeting was set for 1:00PM Helsinki time, 3:00AM Pullman time. The introduction email called me out specifically, apologizing for the meeting time and promising that future meetings would be conducted at an hour that accommodates my schedule more appropriately. Unfortunately, I take everything seriously and I take everything too seriously; see the difference? I have a habit of turning small things into life-or-death decisions. I have another habit of pouring too much of myself into something that is partially or even completely out of my control.
When I saw the email on Friday, and more specifically, when I saw my name in the body of the email, I began to take it all very seriously.
“Hox! Bryce, sorry for the timing of the first meeting, and I'm sure that we will meet again at a suitable time for you, too.”
Their time, and because of me, my language.
Then I noticed I was not only the only North American, but also the only person they chose from Pullman. It occurred to me that everything from this group would be flowing through me instead of the usual gate keepers and I was torn between the opportunity and the pressure I assigned to it.
I responded to the team lead, thanking him for the inclusion and assuring him that I would be there, and that I didn’t want the rest of the team to work around my schedule. He responded early this morning, saying that he was glad I was on his team, thanking me for my dedication, but assuring me that I did not have to be in attendance.
“I should have set this meeting for the end of our day instead of after lunch; please, get some sleep.” He followed with an invitation to the meeting and a note: “in case you’ve already set your alarm”
Getting up at 1:40am to be at my office by 3:00am was not difficult; driving the 17 miles to my office in the dark was not difficult; it was a difficult morning. Does showing up for an early meeting I’ve been exempted from make me seem dedicated or does it seem more like a little kid trying to stay awake for New Years Eve?
“I want to see the new year happen!” “Nothing happens; it’s just like any other day.”
During my commute, after RSVPing to the meeting, I kept visualizing myself as the kid sitting with the grownups, overly excited to be away from the kid’s table. I’m talking about how big the chairs are while everyone else is talking about grownup things I can barely follow along with.
When I joined the meeting, the team lead called me out immediately:
“Ah, our early bird! Thanks for coming!”
I was not necessary for the meeting, but I wasn’t unnecessary.